before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
