they need to just BURY HIM!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
