I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
