I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
