Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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