Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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