@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
