I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
