I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he quoted the bible to break up with me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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