I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
