i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
