I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
