Who did Billy Mays play for?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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