At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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