I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
