i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
