i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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