Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
