it wasn't lemon gatorade
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
soo... how was my night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
