exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
