Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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