if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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