we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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