i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.