I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Four minutes until I can fart!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.