Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.