I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
