My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
