my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
