On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
