my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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