Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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