She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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