I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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