Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
