I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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