I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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