did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
