just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dicks are not precious.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
