my sisters under your porch take her home
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
