i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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