Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
