2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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