Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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