Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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