I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
