that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
