I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
