my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
