Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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