I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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