Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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