I looked at my own cervix.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
