as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
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If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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