God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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