Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
