At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
