Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
