I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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