All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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