I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
