i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
