Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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