Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
