i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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