believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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